Yes, it’s true.
I’m on the Board of Governance of AMAZE.
And I wonder if I am experiencing internalised ableism or imposter syndrome or both because part of me thinks it’s funny. Although, I take the position very seriously and it fills me with trepidation (because I now represent autistic people on the board of an autism organisation) part of me finds the appointment of ME to the position amusing.
Don’t misunderstand me, I am very knowledgeable about autism and being autistic (just check out my old blog posts and follow me on twitter and you’ll see that disability and social justice are my special interests) but I still feel like a child on the inside (that’s the internalised ableism bit).
Although, my overall skills have improved due to practice and life experience, I still have the same essence of me that feels child-like. I still daydream, I giggle at my sons jokes and unexpected observations, I like games (board games, kicking a football or shooting hoops) and watching our pet chickens roam around our backyard simply being chickens. Sometimes, I still jump off a swing or climb an obstacle with my nieces and nephews, at a park, in fact often I do. When I visit my nan, I want to lie on the floor instead of sit in the chair while she talks and on long car trips I put my feet up on the front passenger dashboard. I forget that I’m forty and that’s unexpected behaviour at forty although, more-and-more, I am aware of what’s expected but I just disregard it because I’d much rather do what I like. I think to refer to those characteristics as child-like is prejudiced. It’s not child-like, it’s being carefree and my sense of what’s comfortable and fun is different and uncomplicated. I am not a child, I am an adult who doesn’t conform to adult culture.
Then, there is the fact that I need more guidance to accomplish tasks successfully. A perfect example is how I almost always get lost (with the exception of routes I take daily because they can be completed without conscious thought). I watched the movie ‘Finding Dory’ with my children, a few days ago, after reading this piece on how the movie covered the themes of disability surprisingly well. After watching it, I realised that Dory and I, although having different disabilities, had a similar need for a lot of support with following and remembering directions. Children need more help than adults usually, so there is the risk that I could be thought of as child-like (which would be ableist) because it is not acknowledging the fact that adults require supports too. Disabled adults need more support in an environment that does not follow the guidelines of Universal Design.
After writing this (which has served as self -exploration), I realise that laughing in disbelief, over my appointment to a Board Director position, is actually very ableist and when you are ableist against yourself (internalised ableism) it automatically has flow on effects to others. I apologize for that.
So now it’s time to redefine what it means to be a Board Director and all those other titles that have long been held by primarily privileged non-disabled adults so that people like me, don’t think that positions like those, are not for people like us and that they do accommodate our needs.