Shoes and humanity

My (early) contribution to the ‘Walk in our shoes’ flash blog

“Every time media reports about the abuse and/or murder of an autistic child, we are told not to judge. We are told to walk in the perpetrator’s shoes. Most of the time, the perpetrator is the autistic child’s parent.

But we have shoes too, and no one ever asks anyone to walk in the victim’s shoes. This flash blog invites people to walk in our shoes for a change.”

I’m tired. In so many ways and for so many reasons, I am tired. Today, I feel tired because I had to repeat myself again.

I carefully crafted my words (to the best of my ability), I researched statistics (to back them up), I tried to refine a logical explanation (as concisely as possible for your convenience) and I even told you how you made me feel (I’ve heard that helps?!).

I’m tired because I feel as though I’m wasting my time, my creativity and my hope for acceptance on you. Hopelessness is exhausting.

Why can’t you understand?

Maybe ignorance and denial is more comfortable. Majority opinion means majority support.

Maybe you disregard us as haters or PC police, without a second thought (I am not a troll and I am concerned about the well-being of others).

Maybe you think I am minimising your experience as a parent of an autistic child (there were times I really wasn’t coping as a parent and I sort help for ME. I did not abuse my autistic children when I wasn’t coping).

Maybe you want someone to blame for the wrongs of the world; a convenient ‘other’.

Maybe you have been responsible for more than your ‘fair share’ of oppression (there is no ‘fair’ share) and shame prevents you from further growth and connection.

Maybe you can’t handle the idea of being wrong. We all make mistakes, we are human.

Maybe you are missing a deep enough understanding of ableism, intersectionality and oppression. Please read about these concepts and keep reading.

Maybe empathy is not your greatest strength (not your fault) and you refuse to believe in anyone else’s experience besides your own (meet more diverse people, go where you haven’t gone before and do what you haven’t done before or read books and blogs. Learn to trust.)

You can never truly walk in my shoes.

Perhaps it’s more helpful if you work on the basics of your humanity: trust, vulnerability, acceptance and connection. But don’t apply your humanity without care because it’s the oppressed that need your support the most and abuse is never justified.

 

Ableism and homicide

“The media tend to report on hearsay… and not facts. They take pieces of a story or a perception of a story, link them together and then use engaging and emotive language to sell their own interpretation of a situation. The circumstances of what happened that day are unknown. The Police have not released any information…I think we, as a society, need to have respect for the family and the community who are experiencing something we could never imagine…Who knows what, why or when it occurred. I hope this doesn’t offend you. I too stand up for and speak up for people with disabilities and who experience DV (domestic violence) in families of all shapes and sizes.”

I had posted an article written by Stella Young, on my Facebook page, in the wake of an alleged murder/ suicide, which occurred several towns removed from where I was raised. The article was a damning criticism of the media’s response to it. Stella Young wanted to bring to our attention the ‘victim blaming’ rhetoric that was used by the media with respect to the murder victim’s disability and so did I.

The message above was sent to me by someone I love so I decided to remove the post for her sake, with massive feelings of guilt that I’d also committed a social fopar and caused people more pain. FYI the family were not Facebook friends of mine nor to my knowledge were any of their friends. One person commented that she knew friends of their friends and that they were grieving (implying that I should not have posted it).

This year in Australia a unique campaign against domestic violence was started and it has received significant media attention. It is referred to as the ‘Counting Dead Women’ campaign * and it gathers statistics on women as they are murdered. They report it immediately as it happens. The point is, this is happening now. Why do we need to wait a certain amount of time before commenting on it? As Emma Watson, UN Women Goodwill Ambassador, said in her speech during the launch of the ‘HeForShe’ campaign “If not me, who? If not now, when?”

Let me tell you something, I have never been a victim of domestic violence. However, if my husband ever kills me, I want everyone who ever cared about me to condemn his actions not sympathise or empathise with him.  If anyone refers to me being autistic as an additional stress on the relationship, I would like someone, anyone, preferably everyone to be ‘calling it out’ right away. Because ultimately, I will be the one who’s feelings should be considered foremost above the murderer and above the family and friends.

Over six months has passed since I posted Stella Young’s article and nothing more is reported nor will it ever be, as it is no longer news. However, Stella’s words still stick with me: “Some media have reported that police believe it was more than likely the ongoing strain caused Geoff Hunt to snap”.

Some of you will buy into the story that the burden of caring for a person with a disability could very well be a mitigating factor in any murder/ suicide. But there are by far more carers that do not murder or abuse the person they care for. I put to you that it is sexism / ableism/ racism in fact a long list of isms and phobias that are by far the mitigating factors. When the victims of domestic violence in Australia are predominantly women, with an even higher proportion of disabled women and indigenous women being abused, a pattern emerges. The statistics are similar in America for disabled women and women of colour.

It would be nice if everyone understood intersectionality. Intersectionality, as a concept, helps us to understand how the consequences of discrimination get greater for you when there are a greater number of things you can be discriminated against. Ultimately, the odds are not good for your mistreatment if you fit within more than one category of oppression within society (National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs: Hate Violence Report).

A parliamentary research paper on the Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence in Australia determined that

“The full extent of violence against people with disabilities is unknown, but it is estimated that women and girls with disabilities may be twice as likely to experience violence as those without disabilities. Women with disabilities are particularly vulnerable to physical, sexual and psychological violence due to their situation of social and cultural disadvantage, and increased dependence. There are particular forms of abuse that are unique to people with disabilities, such as removal of an accessibility device, withholding medication and threatening institutionalisation. Adults with intellectual or psychiatric disabilities are particularly at risk of sexual assault and exploitation. When the abuser is the main carer, individuals suffer neglect, isolation and intense vulnerability to abuse; it may be impossible for them to get help.”

Note that no-where in this report do they say that it is the “burden” of caring that leads to an increase in violence against them but that women with disabilities are more vulnerable to violence due to their situation of social and cultural disadvantage and that there are additional forms of abuse available for them to be exploited by.

Thanks to the scare campaign about autism, led by Autism Speaks, autistic children are particularly at risk. We are essentially being told by Autism Speaks and compliant media that to be a carer is a burden that can lead us to murder. It’s almost beyond belief that Kelly Stapleton was given a platform to humiliate and blame her autistic daughter who she attempted to murder, on the American talk show ‘Dr Phil’.

Making excuses for murder no matter how well-meaning, effectively accepts it as inevitable thereby unintentionally condoning it. As Jess from ‘Diary of a Mom’ so eloquently explains when a life is devalued by violence it is time to judge. I contend that if we don’t judge privileged violent offenders and worse still if we judge the victim, we are complicit in supporting systems of oppression that exist within society in it’s very worst expression.

*and in an ironic twist, disabled women have been excluded from this campaign (refer here for details). This just helps demonstrate the depth of the problem.

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